If You Don’t Eat Cheese... That’s a no for me dawg.
Maybe five years ago, when I still thought dating was a viable use of my free time, I dabbled with online dating. I met Steve online. We chatted, he was funny, we had some of the same interests, the banter was good... He was a classically trained French chef (see “Feed your daughter escargot” – you’ll understand the interest). One day, before we met but after we had a plan to go on a date, Steve texts: “I had a ham sandwich for lunch.” Listen, I know – I should have blocked him then, “who cares, yo?” But being the witty person I am, I replied, “Oh, a croque monsieur?” (ham and Swiss or Gruyère – a classic French sandwich). Steve: “No, I don’t eat cheese.” Mind you, this man had already told me he’s celiac and doesn’t eat gluten (aka bread). Sir, do you know the cornerstone of French cuisine is bread and cheese?
Did I 100% cancel the date and stop talking to him? Yes. Did I tell him why? No. Just some line about “I don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.” He’ll never know the real reason. It was the cheese.
There I was, late 30s, and that was the moment I realized: if you don’t eat cheese, that’s a deal breaker.
Dating in your late 30s is wild. The things that used to be “deal breakers” – like wanting to get married or have kids – I was pretty go-with-the-flow about. “Want to get married? OK. We’ll have a prenup, but sure.” “Don’t want to get married? I’m cool with that, let’s just chill happily together.” “Want a kid? Better hurry, but yeah, let’s do it.” “Don’t want a kid? I could live the DINK life and I like my sleep, cool.”
But hear me out – CHEESE. It’s a lifestyle. It goes on and in salads, pasta, tacos, sandwiches, a beautiful charcuterie board (the adult lunchable) … no cheese? I can’t live like that.
As I’ve navigated the dating world over the years (and looked at the options out there – scary), I’ve come across some a long list of serious deal breakers – and while I will 100% cancel a date if you don’t each cheese, I might offer some other things to look out for:
o Violence – NO
o Criminality – Nuh uh. If they don’t respect the law, they won’t respect you[1]
o Asks you for money – I think not.
o Wants to move in (too soon) – let’s pause on that a beat, because nobody loves you more than a narcissist that needs a place to live.
o Violates your boundaries – BYE.
o Alcoholism / illegal drug use – Absolutely not.
o Drug dealer – Hell to the N-O.
And in a strong runner up position - has a “crazy ex” - proceed with caution”. Not only is talking about one’s ex tacky, and bashing them (even if they were crazy) immature and disrespectful... I suggest you ask yourself as you hear someone say this, what did you do to make them crazy? Why did you stay with them if they were crazy? Hmmm???
So yes, cheese is a deal breaker – at least for me. But let’s be real about the actual deal breakers – the ones that will seriously upend your life, drain your bank account, wreck your credit, or put your safety at risk. Those aren’t quirks. Those aren’t things for you to “fix” or “help” them with... Those are warnings. Please pay attention to them.
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[1] Do a criminal background check, it is $10 in Michigan at www.ichat.com.
There are a lot of free available resources online if you know where to look and have some basic information. First Name, Last Name, Date of birth, “owns his own business” – yup, found all the business records, registered agent addresses which was his home address (dumb), the home is listed on Zillow for sale – saw all the pictures, tracked it to the deed records – oh, that’s your wife on the deed and mortgage? You paid that much for the house in what year? Hmm, the local county online dockets don’t show any divorce filings – nice, Justin, you are still married and have 3 kids.